Matchmaker is me!?!

I love the matchmaker show on BRAVO from Patti Stanger & I love her new book on 8 easy steps to attract your perfect mate. In one of her chapters she talks about places where I will meet Manley-man. So I've enlisted my married sports fanatic friend "K" to test some of these theories or places. And will use this blog to vent/enlighten/empower myself. 1. Sports Bars- most men hang out with buddies and not dates at sports bars, so if you go alone or show up alone then you will have men chatting you up. 2. Professional sporting events- men outnumber women by at least ten to one at these events. 3. Steak houses- (yippe I love outback) Real men eat meat and don't hit up salad bars. 4. Driving ranges- Avid golfers like to hit the ball after work to let steam off. 5. Tennis clubs- Join one, tennis tournaments are one of the best kept secrets. 6. Movie theatres- the lines outside of action flicks. 7. Classes- Continue to educate yourself with classes. 8. Salsa and Country dance clubs- you need a partner to dance with, and cowboys love to teach/show you. 9. Prepared food aisle at the supermarket- The best time to hi up supermarket is weeknights ater work. On the weekends married men shop with their wife. 10. Sushi Bar- (I recently tried/liked sushi!) I can mark this off my bucket list, thanks "L"... This is the one place that men will sit down to eat alone at the sushi bar especially after the gym. 11. Auto and Boat shows- Get the convention schedule and mark the dates to show some interest in men's two favorite pat times. 12. Industry events- google for your state and show up. 13. Cigar bars- find out when cocktail parties are for new membership to cigar bars. 14. Upscale car dealerships- cocktail parties for the elite. 15. Wine tasting- for some reason more men than woman are at wine tasting events. 16. Marathons- join a fitness marathon to meet eligible men 17. Outdoor sporting events- polo/ golf tournaments/horse races, NASCAR/ auto races 18. Special interest groups- hiking/sailing/fishing/flying/beach cleanups. 19. Ski resorts- Colorado has the best ski resorts 20. Dog parks- if a guy loves his dog.. it’s a great sign 21. Hobby and fan conventions. 22. Food, Wine, and Music festivals- wherever there's a festival there's bound to be good food and music and plenty of single guys. 23. Electronic stores- BestBuy, Circuit City.. you name it you'll find single men here 24. Bowling allies and amusement arcades- Dave and busters, karaoke bars. 25. Scuba diving- not sure (fear of deep waters) 26. Singles vacations- 27. Vegas Baby! 28. Charity events- 29. Fill in the blank.......... oh you didn't see online on here.. Exactly.. I'm going to start 2014 with a promise or an oath to myself for NO MORE ONLINE dating instead.. I'll meet up with strangers and get out of my comfort zone and last but not least I will practice SMILING and being mores social on my free time.. :)

Cleanse of the spirit...

Do you ever have one of those days that your sad and you can't put your finger on what made you sad? This was me on Saturday, I didn't know why I was sad, I was at work and I just sat at my desk and a few tears slid down my face.

I've done a lot of healing this past year, and I'm learning to let my tears come and not hold back. I thought to myself "my period is over, what gives?" I know that we have the power to change our moods, but for some reason, I couldn't shake this gloomy cloud over me.

Here is what was on my mind: I'm being set up on a blind date this Wednesday, I'm excited to be moving in the right direction, back to the 'land of the living' where single girls go and meet people. Out of my 'comfort zone,' but I have that feeling "I have nothing to loose" so why not go meet him. I trust the two people that recommended this gentleman to me. The only thing I'm not thrilled about is he has 4 kids, with his oldest at the young age of 7, eeck. I'm looking past that and excited to break the mold of getting stuck in my ways.

It has been too long that I haven't dated. Not that I haven't tried, this past year, I took a 'time out' to heal from a monster in my past. Before that, I was online, I went on a date with the salesman that sold me my car last June. I wasn't able to meet anyone real. So I choose to spend my time with my family and go with the theory "when your not looking and trying to find someone you will." Well that didn't work either.

So I'm excited/anxious/nervous/ready to go on this blind date, I have not seen a picture but did talk to him once on the phone to make arrangements.

Friday night, I I had a dream of my x. The X that was an addiction, reminds me to much of my father, was not good for me at all. I have worked equally hard to rid him from my cells, holding onto the happy memories and making peace with the rest. Forgiving him for not loving me and criticizing me to make himself feel better. At the end of this dream, I dreamt that someone told me that my X died.. and than I woke up.

Back to the rain cloud over me, your mind does a tricky thing.. it shows you flashcards of your un-happy life to make sure your on the right path. After work, I went to a foot spa to get a full body massage. Before the massage, I told myself to release whatever emotions were coming my way.

Recently I've read Louise Hay and Cheryl Richardson.."You can have an extraordinary life." With this new knowledge, I have posted notes to myself around my house, such as "Sister Sue..I really, really love you. You are going to have a wonderful day today, you look amazing." Or.. "You are appreciated at work, everyone appreciates the work you put in and loves having you there."

During the massage I did a chant in my head, "You release the past, you move forward in your dating life with ease/comfort/joy, you release the feeling of anxiety, you release the feeling of fear, you release the feeling of reviewing the past, you release being sad, you release 'Dan' from your conscious and unconscious state of mind" "You are loved.. I love you, we can get through this, we can move one foot in front of the other, we have all the time in the world, I'm hear for you, I love you."

I noticed that when I mentioned my X's name, I was ready to start crying, I couldn't do it in the dark room, but I gave my permission to go home, watch a romantic movie and eat Ben & Jerry ice cream and release the cloud inside of me that was threatening to hold me back from my future.

Cleansing and understanding the cleanse was very therapeutic for me..

I'd just like to add, that I'm happy my dream was symbolic in the way that I have put my "X" to rest, he's not dead, but he can't hurt me anymore in the future with the choices I make.

Triangle of hope

These are sayings that I have posted by my computer at work...
"Keep calm and carry on"… or..."onward and upward…"

This past weekend was like a dream, except it wasn't because I was facing my biggest fear in the world, my father.

My ‘wise loving sister/mediator’ told me that when she was in acting school they told them to rehearse, practice their lines and when they got on stage and they had the ‘feeling of freight,’ to trust their inner intuition, that you studied the lines and that you got this.

Well I did ‘GET THIS!’

I am relieved, stunned and in “processing mode” to this day.

I didn’t have anxiety, I didn’t have a panic attack, and I didn’t have a “reaction” when I meet with him. Instead to hear my sister tell the story, “A”, you were so confident, had dignity, never raised your voice, so mature...” she said that she was in disbelief of who was sitting across from her. I knew I was there because my body was rooted to my chair but yet I felt like I was floating but also that I was in control and that I came to conquer my fear. (This confidence reminded me of when I study for an interview and then go in and nail the answers, and ask those questions that they forgot).

I remember telling my brother that I didn’t expect an apology that I came for answers. I wanted him to “Name it”, and I wanted him to tell me what he did was wrong and that he was sorry. As we sat there in this triangle, I realized that he couldn’t name it, but he could apologize. That ended up making me cry more then the memories that he blocked out or couldn’t face. Because let’s face it, when you do ugly, horrible things and you don’t like who you were, then it’s not a memory that you want to remember or recover.

I remember crying to my mom saying “how come those that did nothing wrong, have to work so hard to finding peace.” And she said, “honey you’re the one that is going to him and needing closure, it will all work out since you’ve put so much time into this and she was right.”

I felt like ‘naming’ my pain to him, this man that was supposed to teach me about men and relationships… was very healing. I told him that “Yes, I wanted him to die”, “Yes, my brother was a father to me, not you,” “Yes, I cut off contact with you.” “Yes, I didn’t think that you would be a good parent to my 3 younger siblings.” “Yes, I threw a vase at you in the hospital, Yes, I didn’t want you there.” “Yes I realize that you were my father, but Yes, I didn’t ask you to come.”

This man, that I have hated for 20 years, his lips trembled, he cried, he sobbed and some parts, he said that he was sorry. Once, he said “I’m sorry,…..” and I said, “I don’t want to hear your sorry comma, I want to hear “I’m sorry period.” When he explained the back ground, I said, “well thank you for sharing but the little girl in me just wants to hear “I’m sorry period.”

How is it that this grown man isn’t the one that wanted to find out why I shut him out for 20 years? Since it was my healing process, then so be it. I took the ‘higher road’ and was able to remember some happier memories from child hood.

Did I confront him on the memory that started this whole journey? I choose not to, but I had the choice and I felt good about that. I saw who he was what he was capable of and I also set some boundaries of no physical contact. I brought a note book with me, I had made all my points minus the hardest one, but I made that choice.

I also made a habit out of saying, “I felt this way, these are my memories”, I heard this was key to having someone listen to you and guess what? It worked, it was magic.

If you were to rate this meeting on a scale of 1-5, it was a 5 because there was no shouting, no talking over each other, no yelling, no aggression. Instead there were genuine tears, listening, fairness and memories brought up that this man hasn’t thought of for 20 something years. I noticed at one point that there was no compassion, or hugging when someone cried, then I realized that I didn’t have the desire or “pull” to hug this man; I’m still coming to terms with calling him ‘father.’ These things take time.

Do I want to be in his life after this meeting? Not really, but I did tell him that if he found a letter I wrote to the courts in 2001, that I would come over with my ‘sister the mediator,’ and I could read the letter, name the things out loud to him that I felt were wrong and then burn it, I agreed to watch video’s he had saved and call it a night.

I did ask him to read this book called “The Shack”, I told him that was the closest I was to religion, and that the book talks about the love of Jesus and gives in incredible example of how one man was able to forgive. To bad it wasn’t a true story, but this was, and I’m getting ready to close this chapter and start fresh in the New Year.

"Secret Police"

This is a song that I'm listening to right now... by my new favorite band Donny Todd.. "Secret Police", "Paper heart" or "Liar Liar", his soothing voice is paving the road to my healing.

I'm 33 years old, I recently in the last year discovered that I blocked a childhood memory. This was SHOCKING to me as I felt like I told my family everything, but after some searching I found a journal that confirmed this very suppressed memory to be true. My healing has been: family talks, family walks, counseling, crying, probing, hypnotherapy, confrontations, coffee talks, screaming, rage, dreaming of flushing the toilet (this happens during stressful times, I keep a journal) emotional healing, crying at a friends dad's birthday celebration, embracing that it wasn't my fault, that something did happen and that the only way I know how to get past this monster is to face it.

Crazy right? Who in their right mind wants to face a monster? One that haunts childhood dreams?

I have 'disengaged' the title of this person to a name that my body can associate with. I have talked to family members outside of my immediate family. Its like this crazy puzzle that I can't seem to fit that last piece together. I'm trying with all my might, well maybe not all my might, to think about this person, makes me want to think of anything else. To get into a place where I can use this blog to transpose my feelings, is BIG. You may think.. why post this on the Internet? Part of me whats to get it out of my body, by posting it for the public, to help me rationalize my decision to confront this person.

I'm in 'preparation mode' to get the ball rolling, this person doesn't know that I'm on my way to get some answers. I feel that I have to face this monster, to be.. "myself", to be.. "free," to 'NOT ask for permission,' to 'release my past,' to 'lay my secrets down,' to confront the 'reason' why I haven't been in this person's life, to 'get healing,' to 'get closure,' to get 'on with my life' and have this amazing 'free-fall' experience, to close the door and celebrate in the kind of way, that you picture: ribbons in my hair, dancing in crazy happy "I'm free" circles, hugging my loved one's, washing my tears in the ocean, screaming with the window's rolled down.. getting this energy of the 'little girl' inside of me that is afraid to be in the same room as him, getting my "Kick ass" power back, moving on with my life, moving out of this state, closing this chapter that has held me here for too long, to be free with the understanding, 'that I did this with dignity, that I did this with respect, that I did this to move forward, not to forgive this person, not to welcome this person into my life, but to move on with my life and what's precious to me.' To have a mediator at my side, to walk through the door with my intentions in my head and my heart lifted of fear and to be free. Wish me luck..

Sister love at its finest!

I want to start this blog by thanking my beautiful sister “B” for her support these past few days. She gave me the courage to get through a terrible situation. She complimented me when I needed it the most, she talked me through ‘lists’ that were created on the ‘next steps’, she made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry in frustration, she was my rock. I’m so grateful for having her at my house whenever weird/crazy stuff happens, she was my ‘voice of reason’ and in writing this I’m sad that I will be losing her to her ‘love of New York’ by the end of the year. So sister “B” I hope you have a ‘double bubbly drink’ in hand as I cheer you to my survival these past few days, love “sister A.”

It all starts Monday night, I’m in my PJ’s and “B’s show Glee” is about to come on at 8pm. We get a knock on the door, we look through the peep hole and don’t recognize who we see, so she says “Who is it” and they say “we’re your neighbors downstairs.” Then I say “What’s your name?” He says “Adam.” I say, “Let me get the list (read down 2 blogs to this hilarious story about my hot neighbors below my unit) On my way to get the list, I remember that Adam is ‘college boy’ downstairs, its confirmed on the list, I go back to the door, I hear Adam say in this sing song voice “you made me cookies.” I laugh and open the door, “ok that’s going to be the new password.”

NOTE: I own my condo, I bought it in 2006 before the economy took a turn for the worst, these are apartment converted condos which I will NEVER do again for many reasons to long to list here.

The laughing stops at the door mat, come to find out the ‘plaid shirt’ guy is there plumber, he asks if I have a leak in my washer/dryer unit. I say nope, they come in to check it out. Long story short, I remember that my male roommate told me Friday that he messed with the valves in the back of the washer/dryer unit. The complex where I live is notorious for shutting off the water w/o any warnings. He assumed that by twisting the valves the water would come back on in the dryer. Well it didn’t work, because ‘surprise, surprise’ the hot neighbor’s below have a puddle in Adam’s closet.

SIDE NOTE:
I’ve been in the boy’s unit several times, and I’m convincing myself more and more that these boys’s aren’t gay. #1 they have their own beds and bedroom’s. #2. They go to the gym together to ‘lift weights’ (ok I’m stretching it on this one) #3. I saw Adam’s bathroom and it has all of his bathroom stuff in one circle. Where’s the candles, and everything in its place, and pretty decorations, they don’t exist. And sadly, I’m not that interested in them because they are boys. I mistook them for men but they don’t have a clue how to fix this mess downstairs and they don’t care because they rent. I’ve decided that I will from this moment on, only obsess over the men that can be my “husband/plumbers” and eye candy. I will reserve these boys for nice ‘eye candy’ to appreciate when they take the trash out w/o a shirt, or take longer to answer their door because I’m pretty certain that they don’t have any clothes on.

Back to the drama at hand, basically, my roommate who rents a room from me decided that he was an ‘expert’ in the washer/dryer, he turned the valves and now there is a flood of water about a gallon in Adam’s closet where there is carpet. I have to hire my own plumber to come out and access the situation, because as “b” pointed out, Adam’s plumber does not have my ‘best interest in mind’ he has that of the owner in California. So my plumber comes out and determines that someone moved the valve. In all of my years owning this unit, did I ever even notice that there was a valve or what to do with it, since it was painted white it blended into the walls, case closed.

So, I’m furious with my roommate for many reasons, the first is that he is home during the day and when I texted him to see if he would be home he said sure and when push came to shove and I had people to come over to look at the damage, he would take off. In reality, he’s allowed to leave whenever he wants to but this will be a valid point of frustration for me later on. The second is, he should have never touched the valve since he doesn’t know what he’s doing, he doesn’t have a degree in plumping or maintance and basically was stupid when he thought he was ‘helping me.” I’m frustrated that I didn’t take “B’s” advice and write up a contract. Ignorance is not always bliss when ‘good people’ get screwed.

The conclusion is I have an amazing sister, fountain friends and a boss that understood when I had to leave work early. During this process of 24- hours I was able to remember that I have ‘homeowners insurance’ through my insurance company. I am in the process of having them file the claim and send another person over to see the damage. I had a talk with my roommate and he’s going to pay me half of the after-hours plumbing bill, which I appreciated.

Somehow in this mess, I saw that I have to be a woman of power and knowledge, unfortunately I can’t always count on people because my maintance guy was un-reliable this day and my roommate clearly can’t be counted on. Once I was able to ‘settle down’ and let this process of the damage that my roommate caused sink in to my cores. I realized that I don’t like conflict. I’m really good about addressing things in life that I’m confident about, like my work or my family but when things like this turn ugly and into ‘conflict’ I have this pit in my stomach that needs to churn for 24-48 hours and then I’m mighty mouse with the power of knowledge and support from my loved one’s.

I was able to take this confidence with me when I knocked on my roommate’s door the other night to tell him this:

Me: Ok, we have a problem because I realize that you didn’t know what you were doing, but when you turned that valve, it was the direct result of the leak downstairs.

Roommate: (aka “R”) I just can’t believe that, it doesn’t make sense, I mean; you don’t have any water up here. He rambles for a good 2-3 minutes about how he still doesn’t believe his actions are the direct result of my new nightmare.

Me: “R” gravity goes down, we share the pipe with the unit downstairs, and their floor plan is exactly like mine, so when you thought you were doing something to the valve, you actually caused the leak. I have the plumber receipt with me that shows the only way this could have happened was if the valve was turned. And, also, I don’t know that you’re telling me the whole truth because the plumber is saying that someone tightened the valve with a tool and you’re saying you only loosened it. Something is not matching up.

R: I just don’t get why the guys downstairs didn’t know they had water on the floor since Friday.

Me: Are you getting the point? The guys downstairs didn’t do anything until they noticed that their was water in Adam’s closet. This isn’t about them, this is about YOU, turning the valve when you should have come to me to tell me the problem.

Me: I want to say something, I made the mistake getting a male roommate thinking that they would know a little bit more then me with plumbing and household stuff, clearly you didn’t know any more than I did. You can’t think of me as ‘less’ than you, because I’m the owner, and I have to pay for this damage now. New rule, when you think something isn’t working; you have to come tell me first, so that I can hire a maintance guy to come look at the place since it’s my house, my responsibility.

R: reverts to a 5 year old- “so don’t touch anything” smile….

Me: really close to punching him, realizing that he’s stupid, he’s a grown man but he doesn’t have the common sense that I thought everyone shared with ‘man kind.’

Me: If your take away is, “don’t touch anything” then YES, don’t touch anything.

R: He feels really bad, he will pay me half of the plumbing bill. I realize that everyone thinks he should pay it all. But I was honestly, surprised that he even offered since he’s renting and doesn’t own the unit.

Me: I’ve been in this unit since 2006 and I have never had a pipe leak to the bottom unit, nor have I ever had a roommate that under-mined me as an owner.

The END… I feel better already. Next step, is seeing if he will pay me the other half and if not booting him to the door, I need the money but I don’t need the stress of some Moran.

Bathroom Etiquette?

What happened to ‘Bathroom Etiquette?’ I know that we ladies didn’t have a ‘subject’ in grade school on this common question that leads to most clean woman shaking their heads in disbelief at our own gender. I mean, I thought everyone knew the rule of when in a community bathroom with multiple stalls; you should ‘flush and rush’. Also, the toilets are automatic at my work, so when you walk away, you should always do the ‘look back’ to ensure that the flush worked. I can’t tell you how awful it is to walk into a stall and have to quickly look the other way and run to the nearest stall. All the while screaming in my head “Erase, Erase, Erase.”

This topic is of interest to me, because over the past several months, we have had conversations at the ‘fountain’ of what people are thinking. LOL conversations that leave you afraid to eat when the potluck’s roll around, you just never know. My guy friend told me not to touch the newspapers in the break room, because several of the men, take their morning paper to the Lou.. euh. And who knows if there washing? Scary thought.

Recently; I learned that I hadn’t been washing my hands long enough, which amazed me, because my hands are always so dry from washing. I learned this while washing (at least I wash right?) Someone felt the need to tell me that ‘most people don’t know that you’re supposed to sing a song like Happy Birthday or count to 20 slowly to wash correctly.’ So I promptly asked my sister who works in a medical field and she told me that “Yes, you are supposed to wash longer.” So now, I take the time, to smile at myself in the mirror amongst the rush of the day, and tell myself how pretty I am, and I wash, wash, more soap, stand up straight, rinse and call it a day. I feel so much better, even though it’s rather silly to talk to yourself in the mirror. It gives me a ‘kick’ in my step back to my cube.

The other day, I’m sitting on the toilet, I look over and there is a new sign on the trash (within the stall) that reads “Please contact your local healthcare provider for proper disposal of products.” I had to LOL again, what? I asked our ‘office services department,’ and again some ‘nin-ka-poop’ left a diabetic needle in the trash with out the cap. What the hell where they thinking? Again public safety is a HUGE factor.

Why can’t we all have the same principles of the bathroom? Need I remind you that its flu season, and the best protection against the flu and laryngitic that is going around, is to wash, wash and wash some more. Where is common sense? And why doesn’t everyone know this? Sigh…

Song that reminds me of "brother love"

Most Memorable Church song at St. Tims
Go light your world
By Chris Rice 1995 BMG Music

There is a candle in every soul;
Some brightly burning, some dark and cold.
There is a spirit who brings a fire.
Ignites a candle and makes his home.
So carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn.
Hold out your candle for all to see it.
Take your candle and go light your world.
Take your candle and go light your world.

Frustrated Brother,
See how he’s tried to light his own candle some other way.
See now your sister,
She’s been robbed and lied to, she holds her candle without a flame.
So carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the lonely, the tired and worn.
Hold out your candle for all to see it.
Take your candle and go light your world.
Take your candle and go light your world.

Cause we are a family, whose hearts are blazing,
Let’s raise our candles and light up the sky.
Pray to the father in the name of Jesus
make us a beacon in darkest times.
So carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, deceived and poor.
Hold out your candle for all to see it.
Take your candle and go light your world.
Take your candle and go light your world.