"Secret Police"

This is a song that I'm listening to right now... by my new favorite band Donny Todd.. "Secret Police", "Paper heart" or "Liar Liar", his soothing voice is paving the road to my healing.

I'm 33 years old, I recently in the last year discovered that I blocked a childhood memory. This was SHOCKING to me as I felt like I told my family everything, but after some searching I found a journal that confirmed this very suppressed memory to be true. My healing has been: family talks, family walks, counseling, crying, probing, hypnotherapy, confrontations, coffee talks, screaming, rage, dreaming of flushing the toilet (this happens during stressful times, I keep a journal) emotional healing, crying at a friends dad's birthday celebration, embracing that it wasn't my fault, that something did happen and that the only way I know how to get past this monster is to face it.

Crazy right? Who in their right mind wants to face a monster? One that haunts childhood dreams?

I have 'disengaged' the title of this person to a name that my body can associate with. I have talked to family members outside of my immediate family. Its like this crazy puzzle that I can't seem to fit that last piece together. I'm trying with all my might, well maybe not all my might, to think about this person, makes me want to think of anything else. To get into a place where I can use this blog to transpose my feelings, is BIG. You may think.. why post this on the Internet? Part of me whats to get it out of my body, by posting it for the public, to help me rationalize my decision to confront this person.

I'm in 'preparation mode' to get the ball rolling, this person doesn't know that I'm on my way to get some answers. I feel that I have to face this monster, to be.. "myself", to be.. "free," to 'NOT ask for permission,' to 'release my past,' to 'lay my secrets down,' to confront the 'reason' why I haven't been in this person's life, to 'get healing,' to 'get closure,' to get 'on with my life' and have this amazing 'free-fall' experience, to close the door and celebrate in the kind of way, that you picture: ribbons in my hair, dancing in crazy happy "I'm free" circles, hugging my loved one's, washing my tears in the ocean, screaming with the window's rolled down.. getting this energy of the 'little girl' inside of me that is afraid to be in the same room as him, getting my "Kick ass" power back, moving on with my life, moving out of this state, closing this chapter that has held me here for too long, to be free with the understanding, 'that I did this with dignity, that I did this with respect, that I did this to move forward, not to forgive this person, not to welcome this person into my life, but to move on with my life and what's precious to me.' To have a mediator at my side, to walk through the door with my intentions in my head and my heart lifted of fear and to be free. Wish me luck..