Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Triangle of hope




These are sayings that I have posted by my computer at work...
"Keep calm and carry on"… or..."onward and upward…"

This past weekend was like a dream, except it wasn't because I was facing my biggest fear in the world, my father.

My ‘wise loving sister/mediator’ told me that when she was in acting school they told them to rehearse, practice their lines and when they got on stage and they had the ‘feeling of freight,’ to trust their inner intuition, that you studied the lines and that you got this.

Well I did ‘GET THIS!’

I am relieved, stunned and in “processing mode” to this day.

I didn’t have anxiety, I didn’t have a panic attack, and I didn’t have a “reaction” when I meet with him. Instead to hear my sister tell the story, “A”, you were so confident, had dignity, never raised your voice, so mature...” she said that she was in disbelief of who was sitting across from her. I knew I was there because my body was rooted to my chair but yet I felt like I was floating but also that I was in control and that I came to conquer my fear. (This confidence reminded me of when I study for an interview and then go in and nail the answers, and ask those questions that they forgot).

I remember telling my brother that I didn’t expect an apology that I came for answers. I wanted him to “Name it”, and I wanted him to tell me what he did was wrong and that he was sorry. As we sat there in this triangle, I realized that he couldn’t name it, but he could apologize. That ended up making me cry more then the memories that he blocked out or couldn’t face. Because let’s face it, when you do ugly, horrible things and you don’t like who you were, then it’s not a memory that you want to remember or recover.

I remember crying to my mom saying “how come those that did nothing wrong, have to work so hard to finding peace.” And she said, “honey you’re the one that is going to him and needing closure, it will all work out since you’ve put so much time into this and she was right.”

I felt like ‘naming’ my pain to him, this man that was supposed to teach me about men and relationships… was very healing. I told him that “Yes, I wanted him to die”, “Yes, my brother was a father to me, not you,” “Yes, I cut off contact with you.” “Yes, I didn’t think that you would be a good parent to my 3 younger siblings.” “Yes, I threw a vase at you in the hospital, Yes, I didn’t want you there.” “Yes I realize that you were my father, but Yes, I didn’t ask you to come.”

This man, that I have hated for 20 years, his lips trembled, he cried, he sobbed and some parts, he said that he was sorry. Once, he said “I’m sorry,…..” and I said, “I don’t want to hear your sorry comma, I want to hear “I’m sorry period.” When he explained the back ground, I said, “well thank you for sharing but the little girl in me just wants to hear “I’m sorry period.”

How is it that this grown man isn’t the one that wanted to find out why I shut him out for 20 years? Since it was my healing process, then so be it. I took the ‘higher road’ and was able to remember some happier memories from child hood.

Did I confront him on the memory that started this whole journey? I choose not to, but I had the choice and I felt good about that. I saw who he was what he was capable of and I also set some boundaries of no physical contact. I brought a note book with me, I had made all my points minus the hardest one, but I made that choice.

I also made a habit out of saying, “I felt this way, these are my memories”, I heard this was key to having someone listen to you and guess what? It worked, it was magic.

If you were to rate this meeting on a scale of 1-5, it was a 5 because there was no shouting, no talking over each other, no yelling, no aggression. Instead there were genuine tears, listening, fairness and memories brought up that this man hasn’t thought of for 20 something years. I noticed at one point that there was no compassion, or hugging when someone cried, then I realized that I didn’t have the desire or “pull” to hug this man; I’m still coming to terms with calling him ‘father.’ These things take time.

Do I want to be in his life after this meeting? Not really, but I did tell him that if he found a letter I wrote to the courts in 2001, that I would come over with my ‘sister the mediator,’ and I could read the letter, name the things out loud to him that I felt were wrong and then burn it, I agreed to watch video’s he had saved and call it a night.

I did ask him to read this book called “The Shack”, I told him that was the closest I was to religion, and that the book talks about the love of Jesus and gives in incredible example of how one man was able to forgive. To bad it wasn’t a true story, but this was, and I’m getting ready to close this chapter and start fresh in the New Year.


1 comment:

  1. What an amazing post. Thank you for sharing. You are everything Mary said that night, brave beautiful classy ect ect :)

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