Monday, November 14, 2011

Cleanse of the spirit...



Do you ever have one of those days that your sad and you can't put your finger on what made you sad? This was me on Saturday, I didn't know why I was sad, I was at work and I just sat at my desk and a few tears slid down my face.

I've done a lot of healing this past year, and I'm learning to let my tears come and not hold back. I thought to myself "my period is over, what gives?" I know that we have the power to change our moods, but for some reason, I couldn't shake this gloomy cloud over me.

Here is what was on my mind: I'm being set up on a blind date this Wednesday, I'm excited to be moving in the right direction, back to the 'land of the living' where single girls go and meet people. Out of my 'comfort zone,' but I have that feeling "I have nothing to loose" so why not go meet him. I trust the two people that recommended this gentleman to me. The only thing I'm not thrilled about is he has 4 kids, with his oldest at the young age of 7, eeck. I'm looking past that and excited to break the mold of getting stuck in my ways.

It has been too long that I haven't dated. Not that I haven't tried, this past year, I took a 'time out' to heal from a monster in my past. Before that, I was online, I went on a date with the salesman that sold me my car last June. I wasn't able to meet anyone real. So I choose to spend my time with my family and go with the theory "when your not looking and trying to find someone you will." Well that didn't work either.

So I'm excited/anxious/nervous/ready to go on this blind date, I have not seen a picture but did talk to him once on the phone to make arrangements.

Friday night, I I had a dream of my x. The X that was an addiction, reminds me to much of my father, was not good for me at all. I have worked equally hard to rid him from my cells, holding onto the happy memories and making peace with the rest. Forgiving him for not loving me and criticizing me to make himself feel better. At the end of this dream, I dreamt that someone told me that my X died.. and than I woke up.

Back to the rain cloud over me, your mind does a tricky thing.. it shows you flashcards of your un-happy life to make sure your on the right path. After work, I went to a foot spa to get a full body massage. Before the massage, I told myself to release whatever emotions were coming my way.

Recently I've read Louise Hay and Cheryl Richardson.."You can have an extraordinary life." With this new knowledge, I have posted notes to myself around my house, such as "Sister Sue..I really, really love you. You are going to have a wonderful day today, you look amazing." Or.. "You are appreciated at work, everyone appreciates the work you put in and loves having you there."

During the massage I did a chant in my head, "You release the past, you move forward in your dating life with ease/comfort/joy, you release the feeling of anxiety, you release the feeling of fear, you release the feeling of reviewing the past, you release being sad, you release 'Dan' from your conscious and unconscious state of mind" "You are loved.. I love you, we can get through this, we can move one foot in front of the other, we have all the time in the world, I'm hear for you, I love you."

I noticed that when I mentioned my X's name, I was ready to start crying, I couldn't do it in the dark room, but I gave my permission to go home, watch a romantic movie and eat Ben & Jerry ice cream and release the cloud inside of me that was threatening to hold me back from my future.

Cleansing and understanding the cleanse was very therapeutic for me..

I'd just like to add, that I'm happy my dream was symbolic in the way that I have put my "X" to rest, he's not dead, but he can't hurt me anymore in the future with the choices I make.

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