Cleanse of the spirit...

Do you ever have one of those days that your sad and you can't put your finger on what made you sad? This was me on Saturday, I didn't know why I was sad, I was at work and I just sat at my desk and a few tears slid down my face.

I've done a lot of healing this past year, and I'm learning to let my tears come and not hold back. I thought to myself "my period is over, what gives?" I know that we have the power to change our moods, but for some reason, I couldn't shake this gloomy cloud over me.

Here is what was on my mind: I'm being set up on a blind date this Wednesday, I'm excited to be moving in the right direction, back to the 'land of the living' where single girls go and meet people. Out of my 'comfort zone,' but I have that feeling "I have nothing to loose" so why not go meet him. I trust the two people that recommended this gentleman to me. The only thing I'm not thrilled about is he has 4 kids, with his oldest at the young age of 7, eeck. I'm looking past that and excited to break the mold of getting stuck in my ways.

It has been too long that I haven't dated. Not that I haven't tried, this past year, I took a 'time out' to heal from a monster in my past. Before that, I was online, I went on a date with the salesman that sold me my car last June. I wasn't able to meet anyone real. So I choose to spend my time with my family and go with the theory "when your not looking and trying to find someone you will." Well that didn't work either.

So I'm excited/anxious/nervous/ready to go on this blind date, I have not seen a picture but did talk to him once on the phone to make arrangements.

Friday night, I I had a dream of my x. The X that was an addiction, reminds me to much of my father, was not good for me at all. I have worked equally hard to rid him from my cells, holding onto the happy memories and making peace with the rest. Forgiving him for not loving me and criticizing me to make himself feel better. At the end of this dream, I dreamt that someone told me that my X died.. and than I woke up.

Back to the rain cloud over me, your mind does a tricky thing.. it shows you flashcards of your un-happy life to make sure your on the right path. After work, I went to a foot spa to get a full body massage. Before the massage, I told myself to release whatever emotions were coming my way.

Recently I've read Louise Hay and Cheryl Richardson.."You can have an extraordinary life." With this new knowledge, I have posted notes to myself around my house, such as "Sister Sue..I really, really love you. You are going to have a wonderful day today, you look amazing." Or.. "You are appreciated at work, everyone appreciates the work you put in and loves having you there."

During the massage I did a chant in my head, "You release the past, you move forward in your dating life with ease/comfort/joy, you release the feeling of anxiety, you release the feeling of fear, you release the feeling of reviewing the past, you release being sad, you release 'Dan' from your conscious and unconscious state of mind" "You are loved.. I love you, we can get through this, we can move one foot in front of the other, we have all the time in the world, I'm hear for you, I love you."

I noticed that when I mentioned my X's name, I was ready to start crying, I couldn't do it in the dark room, but I gave my permission to go home, watch a romantic movie and eat Ben & Jerry ice cream and release the cloud inside of me that was threatening to hold me back from my future.

Cleansing and understanding the cleanse was very therapeutic for me..

I'd just like to add, that I'm happy my dream was symbolic in the way that I have put my "X" to rest, he's not dead, but he can't hurt me anymore in the future with the choices I make.

100 cups of tea?

So I'm at the gym and I'm reading this article called "cups of men." And I'm so excited because finally I found someone that can relate to the awful 'coffee dates' and meeting people online, and I laughed out loud at the gym and was so tickled to have meet someone on paper that could see me, could see the pain and the joy and the 'not so funny' moments of coffee with strangers. I'm not alone, there are other fabulous single people like me, trying to find that guy that can be more then just coffee, he can be 'brunch' and 'dinner' and a fabulous addition to your already wonderful life.

This sounds so much like me, except I don't drink coffee, I drink tea. And my patience is starting to run very thin with finding and meeting people online. Why is it so hard? I'm at a place in life, where I'm happy with the people I work with, I'm happy with my weight, I'm happy being by myself. I seem to be at the 'perfect space' in life to meet that other person.

Could my expectations be to high? Is asking for a tall guy, that doesn't mind me being a smoker, loves his family and is easy to carry on a conversation with to much to ask? I read somewhere to list out 100 qualities in a man, if you put it on paper, then you can see what your looking for and it makes the process easier. I made it to #79. Its harder then it sounds. Try it!

In the last year, I have gotten out of my comfort zone, done things that I've always wanted to try. I found this great site called http://www.meetup.com/ where you can put in your interests and get together with local people in your area to do an activity together. The problem with these groups called "cheers" and "singles in Chandler" is that they are an older crowd. I'm at the age where being at a bar reminds me how old I am and hanging out with people from an 'online meetup site' reminds me how young I am. Its a balancing act really.

As my friend at work says, "there's not that many shopping days until Christmas." LOL, I feel like I have been "shopping for years now." The good news is.. I had an opportunity to stay in my last relationship and not be happy or choose the fork in the road of 'freedom' and 'independance' and find myself again. I choose the unknown road.. which leads me to drinking lots of cups of tea trying to find a 'connection' with someone.

Sometimes, its comical to talk about it with friends, it helps if your at happy hour drinking. Because it really is sad how people lie and think they can trick you when you meet them. While reading the article in the gym, I realized that I was not alone.. Here's a recap of my history:

*meet someone on match.com (a mighty fee) who showed up 30 years older then his profile picture, walked in and I thought.. "please don't be him, please don't be him." He could be my Uncle.. of course it was him.. He asked if I wanted a sugar daddy.. Uhm NO I said and left. See I was planning my escape route out but decided.. FUCK THAT, he lied and I'm leaving, so I did just that. I said.. Your not who you said you were, have a nice life..

*meet someone on POF (plenty of fish a free site) where I got emotionally attached because we talked on the phone for endless hours.. seemed to get a long great on the phone, but when he showed up at the coffee place, he neglected to mention that he was handicap. I know.. imagine my suprise! All that time on the phone and he neglected to mention the small fact that he had a disability.. which maybe if I was prepared for it.. I could have ignored the white elephant in the room, but he blind sided me.

*was supposed to meet someone on POF but he forgot about our date, that was charming...he was "passive agressive" since he seemed more interested in me after I told him I was no longer interested in meeting him after he stood me up, crazy.

*someone else on POF.. was yelling at me telling me to find the meeting place, that didn't last long enough for me to see his charming face.

*meet someone on POF, he showed up, we had chemistry or so I thought, he said that he would call, he never did.

*So many guys on line hide behind the computer, its like be a man and show up. No chitty chat.

So you can see where I have become a little aggressive with my search. I have rules now.. no talking on the phone until we meet, no texting either, a couple of emails back and forth maybe 2 or 3 at the most and then the 'meeting.' I refuse to call it 'dating' because, its really a meeting to see if you are who you said that you were and if we have any chemistry or anything in common.

Here's in insert from that article.. this is how I feel:
I feel forensic. I feel I should be getting paid, because this feels hard, like a job, all these coffees. And I have to get specifically dressed for it and leave the house.

Some people think I’m trying too hard. “Stop trying and then it will happen!” “When you give up, that is when it will happen.” They have also suggested my standards to too (high), you want someone taller, that has a job, and a car and keep a conversation? Are you crazy!

Another insert (I love this author- Heather Sellers)
Sometimes I feel like a priest, hearing these men confess their lives and wives. Sometimes I feel like an officer of something, like the town of single people. Sometimes I feel like an ambulance chaser, gaping at their stories.

All the coffees have pulled me into human presence, out of myself. The coffees are like Empathy Boot Camp. The coffees remind me of short stories I can’t stop thinking about. I have heard 31 stories of actual lives; lived bundled, misrepresented, frayed, lit by moments of luck or beauty. Lives a lot like my own life. Raw like this, pitched toward me, hope, unclenched. I have mostly wanted to run away. I do not even drink coffee, I drink water.

So I end this.. letting you know that I am determined to have 100 cups of tea until I find that person that "gets me." Since I lost track at this point.. I'm going to start my counting with 15 because I'm sure I have had at least 15 cups of tea...it feels like 100 but its not. My attitude is to try, try, try again. I have my rules.. I have my dignity, I have my list of qualities, I have my humor, I have my family, I have Louise Hay's positive affirmations, I have patience (somewhere but I will find it) I have my friends at HH that can put life into perspective, I have this need to prove my online experience this far as un-real. There has to be people out there just like me, who are normal and can function normally and who are just as determined as I am to meet me for a cup of tea.

Stay tunned...